like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
