just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I need a hoe opinion
go on
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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