so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
We left the knife in your bed.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
We have so much sex to catch up on
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Randomize
