he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
