I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
