Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
