and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
