I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
