so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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