Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
