i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
