there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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