Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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