if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
