Whats the glycemic index on semen?
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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