I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
