that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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