hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Four minutes until I can fart!
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
