I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
