remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
