If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
