No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
