Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
