A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
