lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
