just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Randomize
