So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize