when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
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