Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
we're making bets on your personal life
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
