Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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