I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
