Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Randomize