Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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