And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
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