Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize