You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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