His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
