No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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