Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize
