i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize