My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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