So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
