You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Text me some of your sweat
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Randomize
