She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
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