worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
