3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
