We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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