I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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