Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize
