the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
