i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
My cat gives me a boner
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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