3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
