Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
