Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
