I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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