i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
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