Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
